yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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