Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
