If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize