My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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