thus making me awesome and them whores
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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