I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
