I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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