Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
