I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize