i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize