Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
