I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
