I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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