I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
