I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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