is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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