My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it penis luge time yet?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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