I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
