Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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