we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
