i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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