She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
