hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
