Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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