I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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