I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
