I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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