I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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