When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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