Who did Billy Mays play for?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
