So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
