He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
