Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
