Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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