dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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