...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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