Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize