Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize