I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
