One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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