I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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