just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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