The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
