I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
