last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
