remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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