Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
