I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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