My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
