did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
