the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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