When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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