dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
