Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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