Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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