you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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