I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
