It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
