CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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