I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
